Oh, the toys of the rich.
'Tis the season of holiday catalogs full of obscenely overpriced and flagrantly unnecessary crap! Sometimes these things put me in a really pissy mood. But other times I find it too much fucking work to care that much and they're just funny. Today they are funny.
Who the hell has so much cash to burn that some of these items could ever even be considered as something one would buy?
What about a butane lighter made of solid brass, bronze, or pewter with Swarovski crystals all over it? Yours for only $60. Look like the king of fucking France waving a Harry Potter wand while you commit arson. An asset to any home, surely.
Or how about a solid mahogany stepladder? So you can reach the clothes on the upper hangers of your high-ceilinged walk-in closet, which absolutely MUST have a piece of decorative furniture in it because obviously it is a place that your distinguished guests see so often when you take them in there for a quick shag while your spouse is otherwise engaged probably in the hallway closet downstairs. This life-improving item is only $150.
And of course, no home should be without a 3' tall iPod stand (??!?!!), just $200 on sale this month... or a 5' tall nutcracker with flashing LED lights on his hat and coat and an MP3 player. For the low low price of $380, this handsome fellow will stand on your porch blinking like an airport runway and frightening people away with a high-volumed rendition of Dominic the Donkey... or Welcome to the Jungle if you really want to give folks nightmares.
I actually did see something really nice among all of this absurdity, though. And it makes actual sense that it's $130, if it's going to be something you take out and show people at holidays, especially if you've got kids around. It's a piano-playing mouse. He plays 12 different songs which you program by setting tiny sheet music on his stand, and the piano keys move. There's a video of it. It's completely adorable even though the mouse's voice can't seem to decide whether it is really fake-sounding British or just not there at all. So there's your dose of cute for today.





